Bay Area Shrink

Many changes...

2009-02-05T16:40:00.001-08:00

Hello there! Sorry it has been so long since I posted anything. There have been a lot of changes in my professional world, most importantly that I moved my Alameda office to a more central location (on Central Avenue, no less!), just off Park Street and all the wonderful shops and eateries.

There have also been a lot of changes in the world, most notably our new President, Barack Obama.

In the back (and sometimes forefront) of my mind has been the awareness that with every new beginning -- wonderful as it may be, or hopeful as we may feel about the start of something new -- there is a loss. Usually there has to be. One thing typically has to end for another thing to begin. And I think we sometimes do not take the time to acknowledge the loss.

When we don't take the time to honor the passage of one way of being, to grieve when appropriate or celebrate as is sometimes called for, we may find, later on, that it comes back to bite us on the tush. And if we don't let go as part of our grieving, we may sabotage our own new start.

It's just something I have been pondering amidst the recognition of all that is new. For as much as I love my new office, and all my clients do as well, we did lose having our own off-street parking lot, and that really was nice. So I take a deep breath, acknowledge that loss, accept it, and move on, with quarters in hand, prepared for the parking meters!

2008-10-16T16:40:00.001-07:00

Wow!

2008-07-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is a 20-minute informational video (very interesting, I swear) about consumption and the economy and the environment. It's amazing.

Books to read about the inner critic

2008-04-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

In my practice, there are a handful of books I often recommend to clients when we deal with issues of the inner critic. I'll list them here and tell you why I believe they are so helpful.

1. Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown
2. The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron
3. Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson

Clicking on any of the titles above will take you to their page on Amazon.com. These 3 books tackle something that is an absolute epidemic in our society: self-criticism. Freud called it the superego because it was like the supervisor to the ego, keeping it in line, but I like to refer to it as the inner critic because that's how we usually experience it on a subjective level. It developed in childhood because of lessons we learned, times we were chastised, and humiliations we experienced. It developed to try to protect us by preventing those things from happening again. It's not something we want to or can get rid of entirely, but we need to alter it when it becomes toxic, attacking us, judging our every thought, feeling and action, draining us of energy, and telling us horrible insults about ourselves.

Some people brush it off, saying, "yeah, I'm hard on myself," but my assertion -- and the assertion of the authors of these books -- is that it's possible to dis-identify from the inner critic so that you can know yourself as something more than that critic, and, therefore, can put the critic in its place, bring it back down to manageable size, and then you can have choice about your next actions to take. That freedom comes from no longer simply reacting based on fear of recrimination or humiliation, but from seeing your choices clearly, recognizing that if you choose to have one more cookie, for example, that does not have to equate that you have no self-control, as your inner critic might insist.

In my opinion, Byron Brown's book deals with this subject in the most thorough way, and stays with you through the complete process of becoming aware of your self-attacks, how to fight back against them, and how to continue with the process even as your inner critic gets subtler and sneakier. Julia Cameron's full program, and especially the morning pages daily activity, is a great way to get through the blocks to expressing yourself as a creative being -- and we are all creative beings. And Rick Carson's is a wonderfully playful, cartoon-illustrated way to approach a subject that can be very challenging.

Alameda Rocks!

2008-03-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

I've started seeing clients in my new office in Alameda, CA -- right on Park (near Otis, across from the new Borders bookstore) -- and it is LOVELY. Really easy to get to, easy parking. Lovely.

2008-03-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Resolved: The internet is an infinite source for distraction

2008-03-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

http://www.says-it.com/
(I used the "Latin Motto generator" to make the motto in the seal to the left)

The Last Taboo?

2008-03-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

Is money the last taboo? In American society since the 1950s, one tradition after another has been examined and often discarded. Most old ways of being were thrown out and throughout the 60's through now, every taboo has been brought into the light -- things that used to be kept secret, hidden. Did you know you used to not be able to say the word "pregnant" on TV? That's where phrases like "bun in the oven" came from. But still, mention money -- either talk about your relationship with money or ask someone about theirs, and you're likely to see some squirming.
Some people find Suze Orman annoying -- or frightening -- but I think her popularity is an example of how starved people are to talk about money, get some direction and instruction on what to do with their money -- which just spells out how rare this kind of mentoring is.
Money is a special kind of challenge in early adulthood. We're caught between ideals of who we wanted to be when we were younger, and who we need to be in order to survive on our own. There may be judgments -- spoken or implied -- from friends or family. There may be embarrassment about having or not having money. It's a complicated web.
Sometimes the instruction in our families of origin is to keep everything about money secret -- so you get to suffer your fear in private when you don't have enough, or you don't get to share with anyone your enthusiasm about having just gotten a windfall. We've all heard the stories of people who get a huge windfall -- from an inheritance or winning the lottery, for example -- who find all manner of long-lost "friends" sudden;y pop up out of nowhere hoping to get their hands on some of that cash. It can bring out the best and worst in people.

Not having kids

2008-02-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

As progressive as we've become as a society regarding women, there is still an air of expectation that women will become mothers at some point during their 20s, 30s, and sometimes 40s. Becoming a mother is a totally valid decision, and so is the decision not to. Yet when was the last time you heard a conversation in which a woman tried to justify her decision to become a mother? It's probably far more common to hear a woman trying to justify the decision to NOT have children.

And women arrive at this decision in very different ways. For some women it is far from being a decision that they made, but rather is one that was made for them. Like for the numerous women who were either stricken with illness that left them unable to conceive, or were hit with early menopause -- which I would bet hits more women than anyone realizes. Or maybe they found their life partner and that person was unwilling to have children for one reason or another. Then those women are left with having to face how much they want this (because, of course they could adopt or foster children).

And then there are other women for whom the idea of raising children never really sounded all that good -- or maybe they considered the idea but opted not to -- or for some women, they just got busy with life and career and didn't get around to it until it was too hard to conceive.

And there you are, in your 20s or 30s, and all your female friends are busy at home with their kids -- and there you are, alone. It can be a lonely time! Not to mention the queries of perhaps well-intended family members who just don't know when to quit asking when you're going to have kids.

I just want to say that it can be a challenge no matter what road you take. I don't think it's as simple as some people have stated it -- that you have to be selfish to NOT want to have children, or that life is much freer when you don't have children. Nothing's so black or white. There are always shades of gray.

I know when I hear that a friend of mine has just gotten pregnant, plans to have kids, or is in adoption proceedings, I am happy for them that they are following their dream, but I also have a moment of wondering if I will still get to see them much. It's right and proper that a child should be its mother's top priority, it is just really hard as the friend to that mother to know where we should fall in their hierarchy of priorities.

I'm curious if men have a similar experience. I would guess that they do not, since they can more or less have a child at any age, and there isn't so much society pressure to be paternal. But I am curious.

Oh, and it can be a challenge when you're pretty sure you don't want to have kids -- and to have them is a HUGE decision -- and then you meet the man or woman of your dreams and he or she REALLY wants kids. Egads. That's a toughie. Sometimes it is clear you're not right for each other, and sometimes you feel like you just can't let that person go.

2008-02-27T18:44:00.001-08:00

Hello! Welcome to my blog.

I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Oakland, Lafayette, and Alameda, CA.

I have all sorts of ideas of things to write about such as: what women experience as they come into adulthood regarding career, job, home, family, to have children or not, sexual orientation, expectations from childhood and society, and finding one's true voice. But I want this blog to be of use to you, so please write a comment about what you'd like to read about.

Of course, the disclaimer: this blog is in no way intended to be a substitute for in-person psychotherapy and if you find yourself in crisis, please call your local crisis hotline. Here's a site I found that lists bunches: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm