Bay Area Shrink

Self-Acceptance

2011-11-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

I was noticing how when you do something for somebody and they thankyou and say something like, “you’re so nice” – at some point I got to wondering“what does that mean?” I mean, I understand where the sentiment is coming from.It’s a kind gesture. But so much of psychological health, spiritual well-being,and general happiness is founded upon self-acceptance – and not only accepting,but loving everything about oneself. And that includes loving the parts thatare not so nice. Like, it's OK to say that what someone did was nice, but it's not all of who and what they are.

I’m paraphrasing here, but Paramahansa Yogananda saidsomething like, “praise or blame, to me they’re the same.” Now, he was a prettyseriously spiritually evolved individual, so let’s see if we can learn fromwhat he was saying. I believe he was commenting on how we attach to beingpraised or approved of, yet we avoid being blamed and condemned. He was, Ibelieve, speaking from the place of such self love and self-acceptance that anyadoration or reproach that came from anyone outside simply had no effect. Maybethat’s hard to imagine, but let’s allow it to point us in the direction of agoal.

Here’s an example we can probably all relate to. It can feellike a challenge to love yourself after you’ve just lost your temper. Butshaming yourself (“I’m such a bad, evil person!”) is not the way. If you do something that is generally notin alignment with your moral code, OK. Accept it. This does not mean that thetimes when you behave in alignment with your moral code are now all false, thatyou’re a big fake, that you may as well give up. NO! Relax. This is good.You’ve just been able to see a part of yourself that had previously been inyour shadow. We all have ashadow. No Biggie. It just makes you human. Love yourself, and move on.

Communication 101: Layers of Emotion

2011-11-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

We spoke last timeabout how you will often find hurt or fear below the surface of anger. This isoften true that different emotions may co-exist at the same time.

Have you everhad the experience of getting into an argument and doggedly arguing a certainside, only to later find that, after calming down a bit, you can seealternative perspectives, and maybe have a slightly different opinion than youthought you originally had?

One way of thinking of this is that we sometimesget stuck in seeing things as either all black or all white, and only later getto see the grays in-between. So, emotions are often mixed. Someone gettingmarried may be very excited and happy, at the same time as feeling terriblynervous and stressed out. Totally normal. Nothing to take offense to, nothingto feel rejected by – it’s just normal.

Communication 101: The Other F Word

2011-11-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Feelings!

So,let’s start off with knowing what you’re feeling. How’s that related tocommunication? Yes, it’s useful to be able to communicate how you feel, but I’mactually thinking about how much more important it is to know what you’refeeling while listening. Please allow me to explain.

We often have more than one feelinghappening at the same time, especially when we are in a super heated,emotionally charged conversation. Let’s say you’re in a couple where yourpartner has just shared that her co-worker has flirted with her andoccasionally she has found it alluring and has been tempted to flirt back. Onthe surface you may have fury and outrage, displayed by a red face, heat inyour body, and the desire to yell at the person and possibly even exit thebuilding. Sit with that a bit, and I bet that underneath that, somewhere moretender, more vulnerable, in your soft belly, there is probably fear of beingleft, or hurt about feeling compared to another person and not measuring up.

Knowing what you are feeling is not always about speaking what you are feelingand making yourself understood – in this instance it is actually aboutlistening better, being able to know that you’re feeling scared, and you canlet go of the anger and choose to not engage in the escalating fight that sucha conversation would most likely devolve into, but rather to self-soothe a bit,to tend to your own reactions inside, and tell yourself kindly, “we’ll comeback to this and take care of you in a minute,” and then reorient yourself toremain present with your partner.

Sometimes good communication and being trulyconnected with another multi-dimensional human being means having to sitthrough stuff that makes you uncomfortable. So, how do you know what you feel?You check in with your body. You allow yourself to pay attention to the subtleenergies in your belly, in your shoulders, in your chest, anywhere where thereis upset and tension, or even numbness. You listen past the obvious feelings,like the heat in your face, and ask yourself if there is something else there.

Some people say to think of anger as one side of a coin, and that the otherside is always fear or hurt. I think that is a useful analogy, but I cautionagainst thinking the hurt and fear are more real than the anger. Sometimesanger is absolutely real and needs to be tended to. But what is often true isthat, once the fear or hurt is recognized, the anger generally fades away. All feelings exist for a reason. Anger's purpose is to try to protect you and warn you of danger, and, more often than not, it is only an initial reaction. When you listen to the softer feelings inside, you can usually find the hurt or fear that needs to be expressed.

Communication 101: Assumptions

2011-11-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Assuming in general – best not to do it, but hard to avoid.So, notice it. Become aware that you have just scripted in your mind the reasonyou are sure person A did that thing. Ask yourself, “if a video camera was setup here recording everything going on, what would it have picked up?” When youthink in those terms, it’s hard to lay interpretations onto what’s going on.

Ask yourself if you might be viewing this event through your own filter –something that happened in the past, or the way that you imagine this otherperson thinks, or some other way of assuming their intentions. Then be willingto throw that filter off. Be willing to hear their description of theirexperience – and be willing to believe them.

There’s a word that I like to usefor the calling out of the assumption – “naming” it. Naming is so objective, no judgment, no value or qualifications to it -- simply naming. As a silly example, youand your partner may both be sitting in different rooms, and you’re assumingthat he doesn’t want to be in the same room with you, so you could name thatassumption. You could say, “hey, I just realized I was sitting in the otherroom, feeling all rejected and dejected because I was assuming that you were inhere because you didn’t want to be in the same room with me. Is that true?”Then at least you’re communicating honestly.

Another thing to keep in mind isthe idea of a regular reality check with your friend or partner. Every sooften, ask yourself what you think is going on in the other person’s world.This can be a real eye-opener when you’ve been assuming how they are handlingsomething only to find out they have a totally different response than you’dexpected. For instance, let’s imagine person A has an ill parent, and you’vebeen noticing person A is quite and withdrawn, so you assume it’s because theyare worried about their parent. But you do a reality check and find out theyactually are obsessing about a new work project, not their parent at all.

Theway that naming and reality checking can show up in a conversation could belike this:

Person A: “I really liked that movie.”

Person B: “Oh? What did you like about it?”

Person A: “Well, I thought it was really well crafted, youknow, all the stories wove together so perfectly.”

Person B: “Yeah? Tell me more about what you liked.”

This may seem silly, to keep asking for more details, butthe truth is, unless we hear it from the other person, we’re just assumingtheir reasoning, and from the other person’s perspective it might feel goodthat you’re showing an interest in getting to know why something matters tothem.

Word of caution: sometimes people get defensive and wonder why you’reasking so many questions. A response of something like, “I just care about youand want to know how you see the world,” ought to soften them up.

And, ultimately, stop resisting it. If you’re going to assume, just go with it, but why not give the benefit of thedoubt? I like to think of it in terms of finding the rightness about someoneelse’s behavior. We may be wrong, but if it makes us happy to think the best ofother people, to assume that they have the best possible intentions – why not?

Communication 101: Permission

2011-11-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

There area number of communication skills that are so foundational to effectivecommunication that I go over them at some point with almost every client. Theseskills would be useful to know wouldn’t they? So let's start with the #1 foundational principle.

Number one rule of communication is to give yourself and your partner or friend permission to make mistakes as you learn to improve your communication skills.

Hardly any of us were taught from a young age how to communicate effectively, and even those who learned when they were older have a hard time keeping from falling back into old patterns and old habits – it’s because when emotional content is activated, our old reactions get activated, too. (see previous blog post “The brain is groovy, man!”).

As my former supervisor used to say, “under stress we all regress.” We may be emotionally flooded when having a difficult talk with significant people in our lives. No biggie. Forgive yourself and give yourself permission also to come back to the conversation and admit that you made a mistake and want to try it over – and then do it differently this time. Similarly, let your partner off the hook when they screw up and want a do-over. We’re all learning, and we have to know that it’s safe to make mistakes when we’re trying something new.

The Joy of Looking Stupid

2011-10-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found out that some metaphor you use all the time to illustrate some point is not actually factual? There was no study at Yale to prove that written down goals improve the chances of achieving those goals, or that, if there was, it didn’t prove any relationship between the written goal and the accomplishment of that goal. Likewise, finding out that the little frogs whom we previously believed would stay in the pot as it heats, slowly boiling to death, do not actually boil – they jump out. Yay! This is very happy news for the frogs, but let’s not lose the lessons: that writing down goals is a good idea, and that we tend to get used to circumstances and situations when they change slowly, over time, even when those circumstances are to our detriment.

There seems to be something that happens when we find out some axiom isn’t factual – we throw out the lesson because the vehicle by which that lesson was taught has been discredited. I think this is the addiction to being right and the vehement avoidance of being proven wrong or of looking stupid. If we could all get over the need to be right, or allow ourselves more freedom to be proven wrong from time to time, and even delight in occasionally looking stupid – wow, how much freer would we be? Wouldn’t we take more risks? Try more new things? Dance more? Sing more? Play more and be sillier? That doesn’t sound half bad, does it?

Quick Note: A New Paradigm

2011-10-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I kind of hate the idea that something is high or low, better or worse, and I especially hate the idea that light is somehow better than dark. I don’t want to live in a world of polarities like that. I choose a different paradigm, one in which everything is OK, because if we think about it, what’s the alternative?

The Brain is Groovy, Man!

2011-10-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Second brilliant brain chemistry idea: Grooves in the brain. Basically, as Daniel Siegel puts it, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” What this means is, any given stimulus (something that fires a series of neurons) elicits a response which tends to, when activated again and again, develop a strong connection to the end result.

Here’s a silly example: let’s say you’re someone who cannot say no to cheese puff snacks. When you saw the cheese puffs for the first time ever in your life, you probably had little reaction – there was no context for them, they were new to you – but over time, after you ate them and found out they were delicious, a series of neuronal reactions got developed in your brain. It gets stronger every time you eat the cheese puffs. Now, every time you see a bag of cheese puffs, that strong neuron pathway gets excited, all the way to the end result of deliciousness – before you even eat one – and it makes it harder to resist eating them.

I like to think of these neuron pathways as grooves in the brain. I don’t know if this is a visual that will work as well for folks who didn’t ever listen to music on LP, but if you did, remember how you had to get the needle just right in the groove on the record, and those were the deeply worn grooves – that’s how I like to picture those strong neural pathway reactions. Remember what would happen when the needle wouldn’t get into the groove? It would skip around all over the record. You need to develop deeply worn grooves in order to have control over your reactions, but the bad news is, the habitual stimulus-response cycle that you have engaged in a zillion times – such as the eating of the cheese puffs – is the deeply, deeply worn groove that you currently have.

OK, no biggie. All this means is you might occasionally fall back into your old habits a lot before being able to consistently respond the new way you are choosing to develop. You may eat the cheese puffs more often than the carrot sticks you are trying to shift to, but don’t give up! All you have to do is remember that you need to choose the carrot sticks often enough that that choice becomes the new deeply worn groove.

Yay!

This is really helpful if you have, for example, an ex-spouse you interact with a lot, and you find yourself reacting the way you used to when you were married – getting angry, trying to get a particular response from them, or finding your feelings deeply hurt and wounded. All it means is, that is a very deeply-worn groove, carved through years of interacting and habitual response, and the new groove – which is of your choosing, whatever you want your new response to your ex-spouse to be – that is a finer groove, and one that requires a commitment to deepening. All you have to do to deepen it is to do it again and again.

Yay!

The Changeability of the Brain

2011-10-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

I just want to take a moment to share a few brain chemistry ideas that keep coming into my thoughts. First, let me tell you something about where this is coming from. I am fascinated by the new studies in neuroplasticity (the changeability of the brain) and brain chemistry, so I have been reading a number of books on the subject. Also, I tend to remember almost zero facts that I read, I only remember things that get repeatedly reinforced by my recognizing them in action again and again. Therefore, what I am sharing with you in he next couple of posts are not the full, detailed facts, but the few things that I notice in action every single day.

Mirror neurons – I am no scientist. I can’t possibly explain to you why these function, only that I experience this all the time. The mirror neurons are something we’ve developed that cause us to experience empathy – feeling the feelings another person is having, along with them. Ever cry when you see character crying in a movie? You may be moved by the content of the movie, yes, but it’s also thanks to mirror neurons. But they don’t only show up with tears, although that is the most obvious way to experience them in action. We laugh when others laugh, smile when others smile at us. Feel defensive when the person we’re speaking with is being defensive.

God bless our mirror neurons. They allow us to know each other on a deep level. They cause us to relate to one another. We also need to be aware of them and know ourselves as more than just that instinctual response, so that we can recognize the other person’s defensiveness and respond in a different way. Knowing ourselves as more than just what we are experiencing in this moment is a theme we will return to again and again because it is so important. (Quick suggestion: vipassana meditation helps strengthen this ability to witness the self).

Clearing Clutter

2011-08-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

I think it's time we rest the Inner Critic topic for a little while. I'm sure we'll return to it some day, but for now, let us turn our attention to clearing clutter in our environments.

I have been thinking a lot about clutter lately. It seems like everyone I come into contact with faces some degree of challenge when it comes to keeping life clutter-free and organized. As way of a caveat, I want to make clear that I am no expert in this field, and that I am, in no way, an example of how to stay fastidiously organized. But what I want to share here today is one element to include in your approach to cleaning out the garage or the storage facility or the clothes closet – shift your attention from what you are losing to what you will gain.

When trying to pare down accumulated stuff, we often find it hard to part with something because we think “we may need it some day.” Now, this is a hard statement to argue with, because, yes, you may need it some day. That is true. However, if we can hold the mindset that what we will gain by letting go of the material objects is either of equal value or greater than that of the objects themselves, we can trust that we will breath easier, feel more relaxed and expansive in our environment, and it will feel like a great reward is on its way. Keeping that in mind, we can recirculate these items, and not worry about it. We can trust that the reward we received from the cleared space -- the reward of simply feeling better -- is worth the effort and any future possible expense of replacing an item.

And, you know, this brings up a major argument that often comes up when people struggle to clear the clutter -- "what if I need it some day?" which includes concern about spending more money later. The thing is -- and I'm sure we can all find historical examples of this -- if it's clothing, by the time we may someday need it, it will be out of style. If it's a book, we can always find another copy at the library, borrow from a friend, or find a newly updated version online -- not to mention the various book scanning projects that are going on (see http://www.gutenberg.org/ ) that aim to create widespread access to printed material. If it's a tool, there are tool-lending libraries. If it's a piece of furniture, we can always find something at a consignment or thrift store or yard sale. There are swap meets and all sorts of events that you can organize with friends or a community group to exchange usable items that no longer serve their current owner but may be greatly appreciated and valued by a new owner.

I find this really helpful when I am paring down my possessions. I like to think about everything as circulating stuff – that I am contributing to the circulation of things, making available the items that someone out there dearly needs. So that gives me a really good feeling to know this item will go to someone who will love it, or who needs it more than I do. And it's also a great feeling to only have things in my environment that make me feel good -- clothes that feel good, decorative objects that make me smile, etc. Just as we eventually made friends with the Inner Critic, we don’t give things away with an energy of rejecting or hating them, we offer them as gifts to the universe – re-circulating the energy that we were entrusted with for a while, grateful for the memories and experience of having owned it, knowing that its story will continue from here on.

Here is a resource that helps you find and schedule a charity to come and pick up your donations from your home or office -- what could be easier? http://www.donationtown.org/donation-pick-up.html

Here is a brief video that can help motivate us to downscale our possessions: http://www.storyofstuff.com/

And here's the author Peter Walsh's site -- he wrote the wonderful book 'It's All Too Much' -- and there are quite a few good tips and ideas for storage, etc:
http://www.peterwalshdesign.com/tipsStorageSolutions130.php

Inner Critic, Pt4: Making friends with it?

2011-07-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that we want to fight back against the inner critic, and that we also want to make it a friend. This deserves further explanation.

Why do we have this inner critic? It is the culmination of many different elements. It came into being from the warnings given to us by well-intentioned caregivers, teachers, etc. when we were very young. It could be from the mom who told you to tuck your shirt in so you wouldn’t look “sloppy,” or the teacher who tried to motivate you to work harder by telling you your grade was a disappointment. It could be any variation of this, such as a truly abusive person who voiced all manner of verbal attacks, or a more benign thought you said to yourself to try to keep yourself focused as you walked to school. It served its purpose – it helped you stay safe in some situations, it motivated you to excel in school. But it also can drain you of energy, make you feel bad about yourself, and possibly even lead you to numbing behaviors to get away from the feeling that can result in addictions and compulsive activity. By that point, in short, it has outlived its usefulness.

My bias is this: “If it’s in you, it is Divine.” And with that attitude, we do not need to guard against any part of us, but receive it with curiosity and wonder, asking it to come forward and communicate with us what it is that it’s trying to say. You know, we all have “parts” of our psyche – we have the part that feels super confident, which we experience in certain circumstances. We may have a part that is rebellious. We may have a part that is holy and pious. We may have very contradictory parts such as the one who is super efficient and productive and also the one who is lazy and doesn’t want to do anything.

It’s OK – we all have different parts. It does not mean that just because today you feel shy and self-conscious that the part who felt super gregarious and self-assured when you were at that party two weeks ago was a fake. It doesn’t mean you are all one or the other. They just come out at different times. And, as we befriend them, coming from a foundation of believing they have your best interest at heart, that their entire reason for existing is to protect you and serve you, we can mobilize their energy and use it to achieve our goals. But if we don’t listen to the scared (or doubtful, or angry, or whatever) part, it may create obstacles and roadblocks, what some people call “self-sabotage.”

So, let’s get to know it. Who does it sounds like? If you imagine it, what/who does it look like? It is usually pretty clear how it makes you feel – usually drained of energy, depressed, or something in that flavor. So, once you know that, we have to detach and distance from that just a little, so that we can bring some curiosity, openness and wonder into this conversation.

One way to start this exploration is to journal. It’s important to remain in the witness stance, in a state of openness and curiosity, trusting that the inner critic has some job it believes it is doing in order to serve you. Yes, we know that ultimately it is going about this is the wrong way and we will have to find another way for it to get its needs met. But going into this conversation with an attitude of annihilation will only make that inner critic part clam up and not be willing to talk with you openly. So, only do this if you are able to stay more or less neutral, not getting swept up in the old feelings of being victimized by this part of you.

Write in your journal like you are writing a script, with the lines for each character to respond. So mine would look like this:

Sara:                        Hello, Inner Critic. Are you willing to talk with me today?
Inner Critic:             Yeah, I suppose so. What’s up?
Sara:                        Well, I just wanted to open up a dialogue with you to see if you could shed some light on some things for me.
Inner Critic:             OK, what are you wondering about?

And so on. It does not have to be long – 5 minutes would be the maximum I would do the first time. In my office, we often do this by speaking to the part who we welcome to sit in an empty chair. Eventually we get to understand how the inner critic wants to help, what his/her motivation is, and we find ways that we can work together – often it is through reassuring this typically very worried and afraid part of ourselves – and then it becomes an ally, even a friend. After several of these “parts” conversations, we may get to know multiple different parts and imagine them sitting around a table together, and the conversation they would have. Ultimately we want you to be at the head of the table, listening to the parts, but being in charge of final decisions and such.

People think they won’t have any motivation without that inner critic / drill sergeant inside giving you orders and controlling your behavior. That’s simply not so. It just wants to be heard. Once it has its say, and you accept it and honor it for wanting to serve you, it is usually happy to collaborate with you on whatever you want.

Inner Critic, Pt3: disciplining our thoughts

2011-04-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last time, we talked about how to fight back to the inner critic. We start by being very clear that this is a distinct part of our psyche, not the totality of who we are. And then it may help to come up with an image or identity – some visual or auditory signal that we can associate this inner critic with (Aunt Thelma’s voice, for instance, or the image of an angry drill sergeant) so that when the inner critic comes up, we’ll remember it’s not “all of me” that thinks/feels this way, just this distinct part. It helps to make that visual or auditory signal be somewhat humorous so that we can shake ourselves loose a bit from the seriousness of it all and say to ourselves, “there’s cranky Aunt Thelma again, sitting in her lounge chair, complaining and telling me what to do and how to do it again. We want to get to the point where we can laugh at it. And eventually we’ll even make friends with it, and mine it for the wisdom it may have to offer. It’s a mental discipline we are practicing in order to get to this place. One of the best tools I know to practice this discipline is vipassana meditation, also called insight meditation. If you can find instruction in this type of meditation in our area, that would be great, but in the absence of that, look for writings and recordings by Sharon Salzberg, Jack Kornfield, and Joseph Goldstein. If you look to the right on this page, there are links to some titles by these authors, including the audios. I especially love the recordings because you can listen to that as you meditate, and it includes in-the-moment reminders as you’re practicing, which is the most helpful because, disciplining the mind is no small task.

More next time about this little pest we all have in common – and how to make it a friend.

Inner Critic, Pt2

2011-04-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

Getting to know the inner critic.

Often when I speak with someone about their inner critic, they say things like, “I’ve just always felt that way,” or “I think I am bad at xyz.” The key element to notice is the claiming and ownership in those statements – this points to the fact that we tend to be identified with our inner critic rather than recognizing it as a distinct aspect of our psyche.

One of the first things to do is to make a list of the things your inner critic says to you. I phrase it this way intentionally -- what your inner critic says to you -- in order to externalize those criticisms. While sure, it is true that these are thoughts going on inside your head, it’s important to start to imagine them as external. If someone came up to you and said these horrible things to you, you’d recognize them as attacks. So it’s important to start to recognize them as attacks even as they only take place inside one’s psyche.

Make your list. Be sure to phrase it in the third person, as if someone external is saying it to you. It may go something like this:

You’re so fat.

You’re so stupid.

Why do you even bother?

No one cares what you do.

Etc.

When you make your list, you may come to recognize themes. Most people have 2-3 themes that the inner critic rips them on regularly, be it appearance, intelligence, capabilities, or some other sore spot.

We will eventually make friends with the inner critic, but the first step is to catch it, to get to dis-identify from it – or more to the point: to know yourself as something more than it. As you come to hear it, noticing it rather than having it be the noise in your head that has always been there, you’ll either want to defend yourself, or feel more defeated by it. If you feel defeated and beaten up by it, imagine some bully coming up to your favorite little child. Imagine that the one being attacked is your own kid, your niece or nephew, or your beloved pet, or someone who stimulates your protective urges (could be a grandma), and let yourself feel the protective part of you. Let that protective part get inspired to tell that inner critic to take a flying leap!

We’ll explore this more next time.

Inner Critic, Pt1

2011-03-18T11:20:00.001-07:00

Here’s the first of a series of blog posts on the subject of the inner critic.

The phrase “Inner Critic” is pretty self-explanatory, but in case you’re unfamiliar with the concept, it’s that constant dialogue in your head that’s evaluating and assessing and telling you that you don’t quite measure up, no matter what. Some people call it the Inner Judge or Gremlin, but it doesn’t matter what you call it, everybody’s got one. Where did it come from? Freud referred to it as the superego, meaning that it “watched over” the ego (this is a different ego than what people talk about in spirituality – Freud’s version of the ego basically means the conscious, everyday mind). And that’s how it came into being: when you were a kid, as you internalized the warnings and exhortations the world showered on you – don’t touch this, behave that way, watch yourself, etc. You internalized those warnings, which were meant to keep you safe, but at some point, that voice becomes toxic and those warnings go far beyond keeping you safe – they limit you and cause self-doubt and ineffectiveness.

In the next few blog entries, we’ll explore more about the inner critic – how you can tell if it is having a toxic effect in your life and how to develop some ways to free yourself from its control.

Lesson in Impermanence

2010-12-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

There's been trouble in online world -- my website had to be re-created and all those previous blog posts were lost.

Sigh.

That's a lesson in impermanence, isn't it?

But the good news is this blog still exists and is fully functional and we will get to enjoy blogging away once again!

Let's revisit one of my favorite topics, the Inner Critic:

10 signs you may be under your Inner Critic’s thumb:

Know that you’re unhappy, but not quite sure what to do about it?
Have a dozen (or more) ideas for what to do with your life, but find it hard to move forward on any of them?
Facing a major shift in your life, and not sure what’s coming next?
Do you feel unable to reach your full potential in life or relationships?
Are you critical of yourself and others?
Do you see the potential for fulfillment in your relationships, but just don't know how to get there?
Do you find yourself never quite achieving what you know you could?
Does it seem like you've stopped yourself before you got where you wanted?
Maybe it seems like issues from your past haunt your present and prevent you from living a totally satisfying life?
Are you a seeker, always searching for deeper meaning in life?

I’d like to help.

Sometimes it’s not clear what it is that gets us to the point of knowing something needs to change. It could be a blatant change in our sense of self because of losing a job, or moving to a new city, or even getting divorced or having a child. Or maybe it’s something much subtler, and it’s not quite clear how to move forward, but we know we simply cannot keep going on as we have been.

Counseling may be the answer.

Usually what gets in the way of actualizing and living everything we’ve wanted is the inner critic or judge, what Freud called the “superego.”

By bringing the inner critic down to manageable size through counseling, you may:

Find out what makes you happy, and how to have more of that in your life.
Find out what excites you most in life and eliminate blocks to acting on it.
Find the courage to navigate transitions and shifts, knowing that you can handle whatever comes ahead
Improve your communication and create healthier relationships
Eliminate blocks to reaching your potential in life and relationships
Free yourself from the control of the inner critic
Create fulfilling relationships
Get out of your own way and achieve what you know you could and get where you wanted
Resolve issues from your past that have haunted your present
Live a more satisfying life
Find deeper meaning in life

Many changes...

2009-02-05T16:40:00.001-08:00

Hello there! Sorry it has been so long since I posted anything. There have been a lot of changes in my professional world, most importantly that I moved my Alameda office to a more central location (on Central Avenue, no less!), just off Park Street and all the wonderful shops and eateries.

There have also been a lot of changes in the world, most notably our new President, Barack Obama.

In the back (and sometimes forefront) of my mind has been the awareness that with every new beginning -- wonderful as it may be, or hopeful as we may feel about the start of something new -- there is a loss. Usually there has to be. One thing typically has to end for another thing to begin. And I think we sometimes do not take the time to acknowledge the loss.

When we don't take the time to honor the passage of one way of being, to grieve when appropriate or celebrate as is sometimes called for, we may find, later on, that it comes back to bite us on the tush. And if we don't let go as part of our grieving, we may sabotage our own new start.

It's just something I have been pondering amidst the recognition of all that is new. For as much as I love my new office, and all my clients do as well, we did lose having our own off-street parking lot, and that really was nice. So I take a deep breath, acknowledge that loss, accept it, and move on, with quarters in hand, prepared for the parking meters!

Books to read about the inner critic

2008-04-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

In my practice, there are a handful of books I often recommend to clients when we deal with issues of the inner critic. I'll list them here and tell you why I believe they are so helpful.

1. Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown
2. The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron
3. Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson

If you scroll to the bottom of this page, there is a widget that will take you to where you can find these titles (and a few others) on Amazon.com. These 3 books tackle something that is an absolute epidemic in our society: self-criticism. Freud called it the superego because it was like the supervisor to the ego, keeping it in line, but I like to refer to it as the inner critic because that's how we usually experience it on a subjective level. It developed in childhood because of lessons we learned, times we were chastised, and humiliations we experienced. It developed to try to protect us by preventing those things from happening again. It's not something we want to or can get rid of entirely, but we need to alter it when it becomes toxic, attacking us, judging our every thought, feeling and action, draining us of energy, and telling us horrible insults about ourselves.

Some people brush it off, saying, "yeah, I'm hard on myself," but my assertion -- and the assertion of the authors of these books -- is that it's possible to dis-identify from the inner critic so that you can know yourself as something more than that critic, and, therefore, can put the critic in its place, bring it back down to manageable size, and then you can have choice about your next actions to take. That freedom comes from no longer simply reacting based on fear of recrimination or humiliation, but from seeing your choices clearly, recognizing that if you choose to have one more cookie, for example, that does not have to equate that you have no self-control, as your inner critic might insist.

In my opinion, Byron Brown's book deals with this subject in the most thorough way, and stays with you through the complete process of becoming aware of your self-attacks, how to fight back against them, and how to continue with the process even as your inner critic gets subtler and sneakier. Julia Cameron's full program, and especially the morning pages daily activity, is a great way to get through the blocks to expressing yourself as a creative being -- and we are all creative beings. And Rick Carson's is a wonderfully playful, cartoon-illustrated way to approach a subject that can be very challenging.

The Last Taboo?

2008-03-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

Is money the last taboo? In American society since the 1950s, one tradition after another has been examined and often discarded. Most old ways of being were thrown out and throughout the 60's through now, every taboo has been brought into the light -- things that used to be kept secret, hidden. Did you know you used to not be able to say the word "pregnant" on TV? That's where phrases like "bun in the oven" came from. But still, mention money -- either talk about your relationship with money or ask someone about theirs, and you're likely to see some squirming.
Some people find Suze Orman annoying -- or frightening -- but I think her popularity is an example of how starved people are to talk about money, get some direction and instruction on what to do with their money -- which just spells out how rare this kind of mentoring is.
Money is a special kind of challenge in early adulthood. We're caught between ideals of who we wanted to be when we were younger, and who we need to be in order to survive on our own. There may be judgments -- spoken or implied -- from friends or family. There may be embarrassment about having or not having money. It's a complicated web.
Sometimes the instruction in our families of origin is to keep everything about money secret -- so you get to suffer your fear in private when you don't have enough, or you don't get to share with anyone your enthusiasm about having just gotten a windfall. We've all heard the stories of people who get a huge windfall -- from an inheritance or winning the lottery, for example -- who find all manner of long-lost "friends" sudden;y pop up out of nowhere hoping to get their hands on some of that cash. It can bring out the best and worst in people.

Not having kids

2008-02-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

As progressive as we've become as a society regarding women, there is still an air of expectation that women will become mothers at some point during their 20s, 30s, and sometimes 40s. Becoming a mother is a totally valid decision, and so is the decision not to. Yet when was the last time you heard a conversation in which a woman tried to justify her decision to become a mother? It's probably far more common to hear a woman trying to justify the decision to NOT have children.

And women arrive at this decision in very different ways. For some women it is far from being a decision that they made, but rather is one that was made for them. Like for the numerous women who were either stricken with illness that left them unable to conceive, or were hit with early menopause -- which I would bet hits more women than anyone realizes. Or maybe they found their life partner and that person was unwilling to have children for one reason or another. Then those women are left with having to face how much they want this (because, of course they could adopt or foster children).

And then there are other women for whom the idea of raising children never really sounded all that good -- or maybe they considered the idea but opted not to -- or for some women, they just got busy with life and career and didn't get around to it until it was too hard to conceive.

And there you are, in your 20s or 30s, and all your female friends are busy at home with their kids -- and there you are, alone. It can be a lonely time! Not to mention the queries of perhaps well-intended family members who just don't know when to quit asking when you're going to have kids.

I just want to say that it can be a challenge no matter what road you take. I don't think it's as simple as some people have stated it -- that you have to be selfish to NOT want to have children, or that life is much freer when you don't have children. Nothing's so black or white. There are always shades of gray.

I know when I hear that a friend of mine has just gotten pregnant, plans to have kids, or is in adoption proceedings, I am happy for them that they are following their dream, but I also have a moment of wondering if I will still get to see them much. It's right and proper that a child should be its mother's top priority, it is just really hard as the friend to that mother to know where we should fall in their hierarchy of priorities.

I'm curious if men have a similar experience. I would guess that they do not, since they can more or less have a child at any age, and there isn't so much society pressure to be paternal. But I am curious.

Oh, and it can be a challenge when you're pretty sure you don't want to have kids -- and to have them is a HUGE decision -- and then you meet the man or woman of your dreams and he or she REALLY wants kids. Egads. That's a toughie. Sometimes it is clear you're not right for each other, and sometimes you feel like you just can't let that person go.

2008-02-27T18:44:00.001-08:00

Hello! Welcome to my blog.

I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Oakland, Lafayette, and Alameda, CA.

I have all sorts of ideas of things to write about such as: what women experience as they come into adulthood regarding career, job, home, family, to have children or not, sexual orientation, expectations from childhood and society, and finding one's true voice. But I want this blog to be of use to you, so please write a comment about what you'd like to read about.

Of course, the disclaimer: this blog is in no way intended to be a substitute for in-person psychotherapy and if you find yourself in crisis, please call your local crisis hotline. Here's a site I found that lists bunches: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/crisis_hotlines.htm